Narrative mindsets

I was taught the value of having a positive attitude at an early age.  

Complaining doesn’t help your situation. It only makes the people that are with you just as  miserable. 

I’d like to think that those seeds took root in the soil of my life. I’d like to think that I find the good in every situation. 

I’m sure that some of you are thinking of specific situations where I have had the worst attitude of anyone in the room, like when I’m tired, wet, anything in my apartment is dirty, or it’s January - March. 

We all have our triggers, but I hope that the majority of what I see, of what I help other people see, is everything that is beautiful. 

Attitude can change everything. 

But the thing is, attitude is just one ingredient in what I need to thrive in any given context. 

I can’t stand on attitude alone. It’s so much more, for me at least. It’s about mindset. 

I’m not talking about fixed mindsets vs. growth mindsets. I have nothing to add to the genius that is Carol Dweck. That’s blasphemy.  Respect, people. Respect. 

I’m talking about preparing my own mindset for any situation before it happens. 

I’m talking about how I get myself ready for a 12 hour car ride to see my sister by thinking through all of the things that will make me start to lose my mind before I even make the trip.  

I’m going to feel trapped in the car. When I do I will remind myself that it’s temporary, that I will be free by the end of the day. I’m going to get tired. When I do I will pull over and nap at a gas station. I will be able to rest in the short term in the car, and the long term at the end of my journey. I’m going to want coffee and there are only Dunkin’ Donuts on Route 80 in Pennsylvania.  I can’t force myself to drink Dunkin Donuts even in the most desperate of times. I take a coffee for the road and I wait for Youngstown, where civilization begins again. 

I make it through because I know what I’m heading into. I know how to prepare myself. I know how to adjust my mindset. 

I’m talking about working through the worst case scenarios of what could possibly happen in a foreign country before I even get on the plane. 

I might not have water for an extended period of time. I have to talk myself through that. I know that showering, food, bathrooms, sleeping, and every other aspect of daily life will be the opposite of what I know in New York.  I will tell myself that I will make it through every struggle as they come, just as I have always done and will keep doing in the future. 

It’s the mindset that I have going into any situation. I prepare for what I’m getting myself into and what inner strength I will need in those moments. 

Yes, I have a positive attitude throughout - regardless of what the moment holds. And yes, that matters, but it’s not my foundation. 

Mindset is. 

It’s the story I tell myself on a daily basis. 

This monologue has always taken place between my ears, something that I know that I need and do without thinking at this point. 

Having Lily with me has changed all of that. 

I’m not just preparing myself, I’m preparing a 12 year old girl. 

As we enter every new environment, every new set of circumstances, I tell her what it may hold for us. I verbalize the dialogue that has always been internal. 

“Ok. Listen. There are going to be times that you are uncomfortable, that you are hot, that you are tired, that you miss home. It’s going to happen to both of us. When it does, tell me. When you feel sad, feel sad. Feel it fully and don’t hold it back. When you are tired, sleep on my lap. When you are hungry, I have food in my bag. When you are hot, you’ll have to deal with it. We’re in this together. You are not alone.  Prepare yourself in your head and work through it when it happens.”

We had that conversation at the onset. We have a version of it at some point every day. 

I didn’t know how she would adjust. I didn’t know how she would handle a vastly different life than the one she’s always known. 

Let me tell you something, this kid has risen to the challenge. 

She has rolled with every punch without batting an eye. I hear her talking through challenging moments as she processes. 

“I can’t wash my hair. That’s ok. My hair doesn’t have to be washed every day. I can wait a few days. I’ll wash it when I can. No big deal. I can do that.”

“There’s no toilet paper. We have baby wipes. We will be fine with baby wipes. 

Wait?  What?  We only have two left for rest of the day?  Ok. We’ll divide them and only uses pieces. 

We’ll be able to get more tomorrow. Not the end of the world.”

When we enter a new situation I usually go first and tell her what to expect. 

If I can’t do that because we are experiencing it at the same time then she usually makes eye contact with me and we communicate without having to say anything to each other. 

It’s actually quite amazing. 

It’s not that she’s not always amazing. She is. But I anticipated managing complaints and talking her through emotional breakdowns. 

That just hasn’t been the case. 

She has navigated her way through a different culture, masses of people, traffic, rain and mud, new foods, missing home, and the absence of the conveniences in her daily life with ease. 

When I watch her in every new situation and as we talk through it together, I can see that mindset is the key for both of us. Probably for everyone. 

The narratives that we tell ourselves about what is happening and how we will need to manage the situation allows us to access our deepest resources, parts of us that we don’t even know exist until we need them. 

I honestly think that I can do anything that I can prepare myself for, anything that I can properly frame in my brain. 

It’s when I’m blindsided that I lose myself. It’s when something happens without warning. 

That’s when I unravel. That’s when attitude matters. That’s when I have to choose to have a good attitude despite feeling throttled. 

If I have enough time to properly set my mind beforehand then I can easily adjust. 

I’ve had that feeling about myself in my gut for years and thought that it was just me, but watching it play out with Lily is confirmation that it’s how we’re wired. 

I know that part of it is being an introvert and needing to know what to expect, but most of t is just being human. 

I can do anything that I can prepare my mind for. I’ve seen it in myself over the course of my life. I am watching it in Lily in real-time every day. 

It makes me want to tackle bigger obstacles, take more calculated risks, and dream loftier dreams. 

If it’s just a matter of mindset, just a matter of properly framed narratives, then why not?

Family is forever.

I was lucky to be born into my family. 

My mom has been nothing but supportive and encouraging my entire life.  She never let me settle for anything less than my full potential, pushing me to more than I knew I was capable of. She has loved me unconditionally from the day I was born. 

My sister is my best friend. We communicate without language.  Always have. There is nothing that I could tell her that would change what she thinks of me. There’s a freedom in that that you don’t realize until you experience. 

I know that not everyone is so lucky. 

I also know that I am lucky to have a group of people outside of my blood family that are my own - a handful of people that I rock with through thick and thin, whose backs I have to the end of days, who remind me of who I am when I’ve forgotten. 

Family. 

Blood and more than blood. 

I know that not everyone is so lucky. 

Family is why I’m in Nigeria this summer. 

Ola is why I’m in Nigeria. 

I met Ola last June and within a month he was in my family.  It took a few weeks for the legal paperwork to be official, but he had my heart from the beginning. 

Ola grew up in Nigeria, though you would never know that he wasn’t a native New Yorker, besides the fact that he has a gentleness about him that most New Yorkers lose by the age of three. 

When I was considering where to go this summer I really only considered one option. I wanted to meet the blood family of the young man that stole my heart and the hearts of my own blood family. 

I had to come here. I had to see where he grew up. I had to meet his mother, his grandmother. 

I had to meet my family on the other side of the world. 

Though I had only ever seen her photo before, I knew her instantly when I saw her at the airport. It was 3 am and we were both exhausted, but the joy between us sustained us for hours. 

I did not meet a stranger that day, I met family that I had never known before. 

We talked for hours at the airport while we waited for our taxi.  She told me stories about the kind of kid that Ola was; kind, studious, and obedient.  The same as he is today. I showed her photos of us together at holidays and birthdays and celebrations. I showed her photos of moments where I was privileged enough to support him as I watched him shine.  

Family. 

I’ve stayed with so many different people in so many foreign lands. Everyone has been welcoming. Everyone has altered their daily lives in order to host me.  But, this is different. This was different from before I even got on a plane. 

This is family. 

Bilikis has not treated us as honored guests. She has loved us like we belong to one another - because, in fact, we do. 

It doesn’t matter how much I tell her that we are content, that we are satisfied, that we don’t need anything, she cannot stop taking care of us. 

Ironically, we just want to take care of her, of her son. 

You know, like families do. 

I have my niece by my side throughout this entire experience and I could not feel more grateful for the family that I was born into, that she was born into - and for the one that I have collected along the way. 

Family is forever. 

Lifetimes of evolving.

I started going on trips every summer when I was in middle school. I went somewhere new every summer from 7th grade through my senior year in high school. 

There were usually about 30 of us, sometimes more, that went as a part of our youth group. 

I was under the illusion, we were under the illusion, that service projects and day camps were meeting the needs of the communities that we invaded - an incursion of midwestern kids sent to be the answers to the prayers of every place we ever went. 

Those trips were the highlight of my summer, of my teenage years, for as long as I lived under the canopy of my religious upbringing. 

All of that started to change for me when I went to college.  The thin veneer of religion that I had covered myself with for the first 17 years of my life had shattered, along with my identity. 

I spent the next couple years figuring out what I thought of the world, of myself, and rebuilding my life, but it wasn’t until I started teaching that I truly felt grounded. 

I left the shelter of the right and wrong to find a new world, a new me. In so many ways those were some of the most formative years of my life.  I teetered between what I had been indoctrinated with as a kid and what I was coming to understand as a grown adult - years of breaking apart the foundation that I had stood on to form a new base for myself. 

Deconstruction. 

I threw myself into science and history and philosophy and quantum physics and energy fields, re-examining story and relationship through these new lenses. 

It’s an ongoing process in my life that leaves me saying, “I don’t really know what I think about that yet.” on a daily basis. 

I am in a constant state of reconstruction. 

What do I want to hold on to from the days of my childhood?  What still fits in my worldview?  What doesn’t?  What did I learn from my past that serves my present?  What do I need to bury for the rest of my existence on this planet?  

My grad school program was instrumental in helping me stitch the pieces of my former life together with the life I was (am) in the process of creating. It was through this program that I was able to marry the ideal of serving others with empowerment and sustainability. 

I learned how to enter a community as an expert with a specific skill equipped to meet a predetermined need. I learned how to see the assets already within the community and equip those living there to see their own strength. 

I learned to go with as a conduit, not as the benevolent source. 

It’s embarrassing to even say those words, to admit the mindset that I had for so long, but its part of my story and most of the reason that I defer to having more questions than answers in my daily life. 

I leave for Nigeria in the middle of the night. My eighth trip with BuildaBridge. My eighth year of practicing the value of serving others in a way that empowers, as opposed to contributing to the systems of oppression already in motion throughout the world. 

This year will be different than the seven previous years, though each year is always unique. 

This year I am not going alone. I am taking one of the most precious people in my life, my niece. 

She starts 7th grade in less than a month, her journey of world travel starting nearly the exact same time in her life that I started my own.  Only, she isn’t going with me in order to serve or help or fix or provide. 

She is going to observe, to learn, to experience. 

She is going to meet new people, to live in a new culture, to see a new world. 

She is going without delusions of grandeur, a privilege afforded to her because of the mistakes of the generation before her. 

She will have a more stable foundation to build upon, just as I had a more stable one than the generation before me. 

Lily will have her own deconstruction at some point, I’m sure. I hope. But, hers will not be what mine was. Hers will be more evolved. Hers will help her help the generation after her in a capacity that I will not be able to. Evolution is slow. We stand on the shoulders of those that came before us, more specifically those whose lives intertwine with our own. 

Her life will help those that come after her to not make the mistakes that will be an inevitable part of her journey, just as mine is an attempt to give her a life without repeating the mistakes that I made at her age. 

I will be with her as we go, both in Nigeria and in life, helping her process along the way, helping her think through what she’s learning as her 12-and-a-half-year-old brain works through this major life experience. 

This kid changed my entire world from the moment that I found out that she was the size of a sunflower seed in my sister’s womb and now I have one of the opportunity to take her across the globe with me.  

I have made a conscious effort to savor every moment of this experience from the second we started planning in April. 

I’m headed across the world with this little life that taught me to love in a capacity that I didn’t know was possible. I’m humbled by the privilege and the gravity of it is not lost on me. 

Her experience will be vastly different from the one that I had at her age, which is progress - for her, for me, for the future.