Lifetimes of evolving.

I started going on trips every summer when I was in middle school. I went somewhere new every summer from 7th grade through my senior year in high school. 

There were usually about 30 of us, sometimes more, that went as a part of our youth group. 

I was under the illusion, we were under the illusion, that service projects and day camps were meeting the needs of the communities that we invaded - an incursion of midwestern kids sent to be the answers to the prayers of every place we ever went. 

Those trips were the highlight of my summer, of my teenage years, for as long as I lived under the canopy of my religious upbringing. 

All of that started to change for me when I went to college.  The thin veneer of religion that I had covered myself with for the first 17 years of my life had shattered, along with my identity. 

I spent the next couple years figuring out what I thought of the world, of myself, and rebuilding my life, but it wasn’t until I started teaching that I truly felt grounded. 

I left the shelter of the right and wrong to find a new world, a new me. In so many ways those were some of the most formative years of my life.  I teetered between what I had been indoctrinated with as a kid and what I was coming to understand as a grown adult - years of breaking apart the foundation that I had stood on to form a new base for myself. 

Deconstruction. 

I threw myself into science and history and philosophy and quantum physics and energy fields, re-examining story and relationship through these new lenses. 

It’s an ongoing process in my life that leaves me saying, “I don’t really know what I think about that yet.” on a daily basis. 

I am in a constant state of reconstruction. 

What do I want to hold on to from the days of my childhood?  What still fits in my worldview?  What doesn’t?  What did I learn from my past that serves my present?  What do I need to bury for the rest of my existence on this planet?  

My grad school program was instrumental in helping me stitch the pieces of my former life together with the life I was (am) in the process of creating. It was through this program that I was able to marry the ideal of serving others with empowerment and sustainability. 

I learned how to enter a community as an expert with a specific skill equipped to meet a predetermined need. I learned how to see the assets already within the community and equip those living there to see their own strength. 

I learned to go with as a conduit, not as the benevolent source. 

It’s embarrassing to even say those words, to admit the mindset that I had for so long, but its part of my story and most of the reason that I defer to having more questions than answers in my daily life. 

I leave for Nigeria in the middle of the night. My eighth trip with BuildaBridge. My eighth year of practicing the value of serving others in a way that empowers, as opposed to contributing to the systems of oppression already in motion throughout the world. 

This year will be different than the seven previous years, though each year is always unique. 

This year I am not going alone. I am taking one of the most precious people in my life, my niece. 

She starts 7th grade in less than a month, her journey of world travel starting nearly the exact same time in her life that I started my own.  Only, she isn’t going with me in order to serve or help or fix or provide. 

She is going to observe, to learn, to experience. 

She is going to meet new people, to live in a new culture, to see a new world. 

She is going without delusions of grandeur, a privilege afforded to her because of the mistakes of the generation before her. 

She will have a more stable foundation to build upon, just as I had a more stable one than the generation before me. 

Lily will have her own deconstruction at some point, I’m sure. I hope. But, hers will not be what mine was. Hers will be more evolved. Hers will help her help the generation after her in a capacity that I will not be able to. Evolution is slow. We stand on the shoulders of those that came before us, more specifically those whose lives intertwine with our own. 

Her life will help those that come after her to not make the mistakes that will be an inevitable part of her journey, just as mine is an attempt to give her a life without repeating the mistakes that I made at her age. 

I will be with her as we go, both in Nigeria and in life, helping her process along the way, helping her think through what she’s learning as her 12-and-a-half-year-old brain works through this major life experience. 

This kid changed my entire world from the moment that I found out that she was the size of a sunflower seed in my sister’s womb and now I have one of the opportunity to take her across the globe with me.  

I have made a conscious effort to savor every moment of this experience from the second we started planning in April. 

I’m headed across the world with this little life that taught me to love in a capacity that I didn’t know was possible. I’m humbled by the privilege and the gravity of it is not lost on me. 

Her experience will be vastly different from the one that I had at her age, which is progress - for her, for me, for the future. 

Rest

I like to be on the move. I like to have purpose, to have a goal that I'm working towards. 

Rest isn't easy for me. 

Blame capitalism. Blame brain chemistry. Either way, the reality remains - too much time in open space is hard for me. 

This inclination is problematic for several reasons, the most glaring being that rest is a necessary component to life. We are supposed to rest at some point every day, every week, every month, every year. Just like nature. We're supposed to follow nature's lead. The only reason that we have the harvest every year is because the soil rests in the winter months. The earth can't produce without rest. Neither can I. 

One of my friends once said how thankful she is for the night.  She said that nights are gifts that separate days from one another.  The wisdom in her thought didn't resonate with me at first, but then I imagined life as one long day with no restarts. 

She is right.

We need breaks. We need rest. We need restarts. 

I fight them, but I know I need them. 

Here's the irony of it all - the best things in my life have come after periods of rest. It's a bit of a paradox to be highly productive while being simultaneously highly reflective, in that reflection comes in the silence, but either way, the reality remains.  

My work in the Netherlands was a perfect reminder of all of this reality. We did two murals at two separate locations.  My plane landed and I hit the ground running. I went from the airport to meet one of our partners, then to the paint store, then I don't remember because I fell asleep in the car from not having closed my eyes in 30 something hours. 

Muscle memory took over. Years of muralling around the world has created a default pattern that I don't even question. I know the curriculum. I know the process. I know what to do. Autopilot. 

We celebrated the first mural on Saturday.  We cut ribbons and took photos and invited families. 

And then, a day of rest. 

I roamed Amsterdam on my own for an entire day.  I sat. I walked. I reflected.

I looked at the mistakes we made in the first project. I made a plan for the next project. 

I had time to stop moving. Time to analyze. Time to look at my mistakes and correct them. 

The next mural was better than the first, not in the final product, but in the process.

Progress through rest. 

A rhythm of life that I push against when all it is trying to do is bring me to a better version of myself. 

I won't say that the second mural was perfectly executed. There isn't such a thing  - but I will say that we made better mistakes the second time around. Mistakes that would have been the same as the first ones without the space for reflection.  

I was walking through the building at the location of the second mural when I saw a very literal sign that felt like it was posted just as a reminder to me. 

I will make better mistakes tomorr(ow)

That's the goal. Better mistakes tomorrow.  Better mistakes only happen if you take the time to look at the ones you just made, if you let yourself stop moving long enough to see clearly. 

Rest is a good friend to me.  It's a completely one-sided relationship, but she won't give up. 

Maybe I'll learn. Maybe I'll give in to open space.  Maybe I'll just be better at it tomorrow. 

Welcome.

We are all good at different things - it's true, I know,  I like to remind myself of that when I'm confronted with what I'm not good at.  I'm not good at being flexible in my routine.  I'm not good at administrative endeavors. I'm not good at being nice when I'm cold and/or tired.  I'm not good at speaking, really in any capacity, but particularly if I don't have time to process my thoughts first. 

And I'm really not good at hospitality. Some of my closest friends haven't been to my apartment.  I don't host people. My space is my space is my space. It's my little carved out area that I protect, even to a fault. 

Hospitality - not my gift. 

I'm better at other things. 

So many other cultures that I have had the privilege of experiencing are based around welcoming other people. To turn away the stranger is to bring disgrace to the family, to the country. 

I live in New York.  I swim through tourists anytime I go downtown. I squish my shoulders together and hop through the sea of people in frustration. My arms are not open to the stranger. 

Hospitality - not my gift. 

So here I am in Holland, a land that feels oddly familiar to me. The biggest shock I've dealt with has been the abundance of bicycles.  It's incredible. There are more bikes than cars.  I can't get over it.

Other than that, everyone knows English, fashion is similar, the food is the same, and the scenery reminds me of different parts of the Midwest.  I haven't had to adjust. 

The culture in the refugee center is obviously different. There isn't one nationality. There isn't one language. There isn't one religion. There isn't one fashion style. There are people that are learning to survive in a new land while still holding on to the values and customs that they have known their whole lives. 

Many, being from the Middle East, are really good at hospitality. Really good. Welcoming the stranger is part of their DNA. 

The mural that the boys are painting is in the passageway of a bike path. Bike messengers are passing us all day long. 

It's a highly trafficked area. 

People see us. People stop. People talk to us. People help paint. 

That's how I met my new friend.  I'll call him Munir to protect his identity. Munir was walking past and saw our group painting. He spoke only Arabic, but he knew he had to show me his own artwork. He pulled out his phone and tried to explain the detail work of a stencil painting he had done. I'm sure I only understood a piece of what he was trying to communicate, but it wasn't difficult to understand that this man was a talented artist. Like really, really good.

About an hour later his wife came to visit us.   She spoke English and showed me portraits that Munir had painted of his children. 

Then she said, this one is of our son the day he arrived here from Syria. 

The boy had one coat on his arms, no bags, and a tired look on his face. 

She said, "This is good day for us.  This is day we get our son back."

I looked at them and felt such love and compassion for them. Their eyes were soft and gentle. 

The woman then started speaking to me in Dutch (classic mistake because pass for Dutch quite easily) and so I told her that I'm not from here, I'm from NYC. 

Munir understood me.  He stopped the entire conversation, grabbed my hand, and said, "Welcome. You are welcome here."

My heart stopped beating. 

I just left NYC and my biggest concern is being withoug kombucha for ten days. This man fled war and prayed his family would be reunited again. 

He lives in a refugee shelter and may never see his hometown for the rest of his life. 

With joy in his heart, he reached out his hand to welcome me to the tiny plot of land that he was allowed to stay on. 

Hospitality is central to middle eastern culture, I get that, but this man has to know that I left a country that just banned him from being allowed in. Yet, instead of feeling anger and frustration, he opened his arms to me. 

He didn't hear me say that I'm from New York and pull back his affection. He didn't look at me and think, "You're from America, where my heritage is so scary to you that I'm not allowed on your land. America, where I am a terrorist.  Got it. I'll be on my way now." 

He didn't hold the sins of my country against me, even while my country holds his nationality against him. 

He chose abundance, even in a time of scarcity. 

He chose to be the bridge, not the wall.  An example of what I want my life to be. 

"Welcome.  You are welcome here."

His voice echoes in my heart. May in reverberate out of my soul, wherever I find my on this planet. 

Walking through Life

New York City was made for pedestrians. By design, the city was built for walking. From cars not being allowed to turn right on red, to entire sections of street traffic being diverted for designated public spaces, to a greenway wrapping the island top to bottom – walking was the forethought in planning this city.

When you think about traffic and parking, even if you don't care about the environment, walking just makes the most sense. I can say that with some authority in that I have lived here for over ten years and owned a car until recently. After years of using my lunch breaks to move my car from one side of the street to the other, I decided that my best bet was to buy a vespa, use the subway, and get by on my own two feet. Depending on the weather and the distance, I can get wherever I need at any time.

All things considered, if I can walk somewhere, I do. I walk everywhere even if it means adding hours to a simple errand. I can get anywhere in this city with decent weather, solid shoes, and a fully charged phone.

Walking is more than mere convenience. It gives me the space to reflect, to work through whatever is in my head, step by step.

I can't remember if I loved walking before I moved to New York, but I know that it's such an integral part of my life now that I have to intentionally find ways to walk when i'm not in the city.

At some point (the timeline is a little blurry) I decided that I wanted to walk the NYC Marathon. It took some planning, some might say conniving, but I finally found a way to get a bib for the 2016 marathon.

Having never competed in a marathon before, I didn't know what to expect. I had friends that could give me advice on how to run a marathon, but no one knew how to prepare me to walk for 26.2 miles in one stretch. In fact, when the subject came up with friends in passing most people tried to discourage me from even attempting. I heard every reason as to why my idea was ill-conceived, but as with most everything else in my life, I have zero interest in entertaining the voices that want to discourage me.

My intent was not to physically challenge myself. My goal was to push myself mentally. It was a deliberate choice to put myself in a situation that demanded full mental attention with no ability to escape. It was the work of the warrior.

I wanted that challenge.

I wanted those lessons.

Usually it takes me weeks, sometimes months, to reflect on life and absorb the lessons I have learned along the way. I'm a slow processor - proudly so, but this experience was different. Over the course of the eight hours that it took from start to finish, I very clearly realized the lessons waiting for me in my walk. With startling clarity I articulated this very blog to my sister when I was still walking through Queens.

For me, that walk felt like an embodiment of what my life has been so far – walking with people and walking at my own pace.

Let me explain...

Walking with people - I only told a handful of people about my plan, only inviting a few on the journey with me. I don't need many people in my life, just a handful of people that I really love. It was this handful that shared my journey with me.

Some of this handful, my handful that live in New York, walked with me along the way.  Literally.  My closest friends in this city met me as I walked through the boroughs, walking actual miles by my side. I had friends that planned their entire days around meeting me, around walking with me. In my life these very people walk next to me every day, sharing all the highs and lows.

My family and friends that live too far to meet me on the street checked in on me along the way, calling and texting as the day went on, letting me know that I wasn't alone as I walked.

There were spurts where I was completely alone, others where I walked side by side with my closest friends, and others where technology connected me to the faces in my life that I couldn't physically see - a balance of my daily routine, just like life.

I couldn't help but think about the people that I have shared my life with, even for a season. I thought about people that I walked next to in my childhood, in my teenage years, and into adulthood. I haven't talked to some of them in over a decade. I talk to some of them regularly. I thought about people that I've reconnected with after years of silence, about people that have recently moved out of the city and that I barely talk to anymore, about the ones that I have walked next to for the past 34 years without a break in stride. Regardless of how I interact with them today, I wouldn't be where I am without them, without the clip we walked together.

And for those people in my life, I am the one walking next to them in their races, whether in the past or present. I am a piece of their story, not just my own.

The point is this – we're all walking with each other, maybe for a season, maybe for life. Some of us were meant for the long haul, others for a New York minute. Either way, we are all meant for each other, for this tangled mess of relationships in the journey.

I'm happier when I walk with a select few, an intentional handful.

I always knew that to be true, but walking through the boroughs with the different faces in my life, with constant reminders of their presence making my phone ding, was the physical representation of my walk through life.

Walking at my own pace – I'm not a typical 34 year old, not even for a New Yorker. I've never heard the same drummer that my peers hear, not the ones I grew up with and not the ones that drive the rhythm of this city.

I walk my own path. I always have.

As I walked through NYC with 50,000 people running past me, I felt the truth of that reality.

I felt like I was walking through my life, start to finish, exactly as I have always walked – with my own vision, my own goals.

The rest of the world was competing, whether with themselves or with the person next to them. Not me. I had my own definition of victory. I wanted to walk every step, meditatively and intentionally, until the end. I mentally prepared myself for months and I was ready when the day came.

The struggle I had, just as in life, was in not justifying myself to the other runners - to the crowd.

Everyone was cheering for me, telling me, “You can do it! Don't give up!”, as if walking was indicative of defeat. As if I needed to be reminded to run, because that's what I was supposed to do.

I had to fight the urge to explain myself. I wanted to stop and tell every well-meaning person on the side, “Thanks for the encouragement, but the thing is - I'm not taking a break from running, I'm walking on purpose.”

My inclination was to turn to everyone and explain myself, just like life.

“No, I don't want kids. The thing is...”

“I'm ok with not being married. The thing is...”

“My five year plan? I'm content doing exactly what I'm doing for the rest of my life. The thing is...”

I have to fight the urge to explain myself every day.

The thing is, I know what path I'm on. It's not the same path as everyone else. I don't need to explain that to anyone.

My people, my handfull, they know. They know my story, they know my past, they know my dreams, they know my business. They walk with me along the way.

I don't need to validate my existence to the millions of people racing past me or to the ones on the sideline. I have to fight that urge every day.

I finished that race on my own terms, having completed my own goals in the journey.

By the time I made it back to Manhattan the race had completely shut down. Water stations had been disbanded. Pacing machines were removed. Onlookers had gone home.

I walked every step, even the final ones, without running one step.

I crossed the finish line with a few geriatric runners and injured competitors. There was no fanfare, no cheering fans, and no one waiting for me.

It was just me. I stepped across that line with so much pride in what I had done and with a renewed sense of confidence to be exactly who I am, to keep walking my own path at my own pace.

As I type this, my bags are packed for my next trip, the next chapter in my book. I leave for the Netherlands this afternoon to work with Afghani refugees.

For a brief window, in the middle of July, I will have the privilege of walking next to a group of young people that have more life experience in their 15 years than I ever hope to know. A group of people that will, no doubt, forever change my stride. I will go with the support of my handful, never truly being alone along the way.

For a brief window, in the middle of July, I will give my all of my time, resources, energy, and expertise to a group of people that have been despised in the West. Part of me will feel the need to defend myself, to defend my decisions, to every raised eyebrow along the way.

For a brief window, in the middle of July, I will walk another marathon. And I will remember what I was meant to learn in the first one, perhaps for such a moment as this.

I will remember the people that I walk with and I won't defend my pace to anyone.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for walking with me.

Building a brain

It's the night before I start my eleventh year of teaching.

I should be be in my bed. I should be sleeping.

The thing is, I get anxious about things. Anxious about almost everything.

I get anxious to go back to school. I get anxious when we have a week off. I get anxious for summer vacation. I get anxious to travel. I get anxious when I have too much to do. I get anxious when I don't have enough to do.

It's an internal angst that gnaws at my insides for days, sometimes weeks, as change approaches.

It's something that I've come to understand about myself, something that I've been able to identify over the years.

So here I sit, unable to fully rest, knowing that I'll regret the missed hours of sleep when my alarm goes off in the morning, unable to do much about any of it in the present moment.

And in this moment, with nothing but quiet and time to fill the space, I find myself reflecting on my time in Nairobi.

Once BuildaBridge arrived I moved out of my host home and across town. I had been staying within walking distance of the school, but soon found myself on the other side of the city. The distance between where we were staying and where we were working was probably about 15 miles, give or take, but the commute was at least an hour both ways. 

Driving in Kenya is no joke.  

I prefer my vespa in New York.  Taxis and all.

This car ride put me in a shared, confined space with some of the people on this planet that I respect the most. When we weren't fearing for our lives or gasping for air, we were engaged in conversations that I will keep in my pocket for the rest of my life.

I can say that with confidence, because I've been keeping conversations from these very people in my pocket for the past six years.

One conversation that I'm marinating in tonight focused on trauma and overcoming and resiliency and the brain. We talked about how the brain physically changes when in the presence of trauma, but it also physically changes in response to overcoming trauma.

I pulled out my phone and started taking notes.

Overcoming changes the brain in positive ways. The more you overcome, the more you internalize that you have the ability to overcome, which leads to greater resiliency and more confidence to overcome the next challenge.

I have thought about that ever since that moment.

I have thought about everything that I have ever overcome. I have thought about everything that I never thought I would be capable of doing, but did. I have thought about basic things that feel like tiny victories on a daily basis.

I have thought about my brain and how all of that has changed the structure of my brain, changed my psyche.

I don't often feel capable of overcoming the challenges that I face everyday.

I'm not talking about major issues concerning health and survival.

It's far less noticeable than that.

It's going to school for the first day after a two month break and seeing people that I haven't seen since June.

That's scary.

But you know what?

I've done it for the past ten years and I'll do it again tomorrow.

And all of the other pieces of my life, all of the other anxiety-inducing parts that keep me up at night? I'll face those, too.

I'll remember all of the tiny hurdles that I've already jumped. I'll remember that I have traveled to different countries for the past five years, lived in new places, and come home again.

In every fear faced, my brain changed.

It's stronger than I give it credit for. And so am I.

Maybe sometimes you have to travel the world and realize that you can live anywhere, just so that you can come home with the confidence to go to a job that you love more and more every day of your life.

Life is like that.

I should probably get some sleep.

Goodnight and thanks for traveling with me.

Until my next adventure...

Litter and life

Sometimes it feels like the problems in the world are so great, so vast, so beyond me, that there isn't a damn thing I can do to make a dent in the situation.

I feel like that all of the time.

These things are systemic and institutionalized.  

They're bigger than I am. They're stronger than I am. 

They mock my efforts and attempts at reversing what they have set into motion.

It makes me feel so small, so insignificant. 

One of the best examples I can think of is the problem of litter.  

It's a problem in Washington Heights, in that it makes our streets ugly and lowers the overall perception of the neighborhood.  In Nairobi, though, it's a way of life.  

Unless you're in the middle of the city you aren't going to find a trash can on the corner of the street. There isn't a system for waste removal on public roads beyond the most traversed neighborhoods of the city, so every other neighborhood drops their trash where it is convenient.  The streets are lined with garbage. 

I'm being literal. The streets are literally lined with garbage. 

I'm staying in a slum in Mathare where I can't see the ground where I'm walking because a layer of plastic separates me from the sewage beneath it. 

There are sections of the street set aside where people toss their garbage, should they choose to collect it in a bag to begin with. 

Tiny piles of trash burn along the edges of the walking paths, a futile attempt to eradicate the litter that can't be contained in one area.

I've lived here for the past two weeks.  I've collected my trash in a tiny plastic bag and I've given it to the woman that takes it out twice a week.  I haven't thought much about it beyond that.  I'm not throwing it out of the window, so it feels like I'm doing the right thing.  

And then it dawned on me - my trash is going the same place everyone else's trash is going.   It's part of the pile on the road. 

I can ignorantly collect it and pass it off in a sealed bag, but it's all going to the same pile. 

I don't throw my waste out of the window, so I assume that I'm not littering.  

It's not that easy. 

Unless I collect my own trash and take it to a public waste can, I might as well pitch it out of the window. It's the same exact result. 

I can convince myself that I'm doing my part by gathering my waste in a bag, and I might sleep more soundly at night because of it, but it's just ignorance that lets me rest. 

The truth is that there is so much more than I'm responsible for, so much more that I need to be aware of in order to actually be a part of the solution. 

Anything less is the same as adding to the piles of trash that make me hold my breath when I walk the streets. 

These things are systemic and institutionalized.  

It's bigger than trash.  It's life.

If I don't see the big picture and my role in it, I'm contributing to the problem. 

My work in the world can't end with a tidy bag of my own waste and a clean conscience because I don't openly throw it on the road. My work needs to look at developing systems that address the core issues, not just making sure that I put some volunteer time in.  My work needs to be about sustainable programming that meets the needs of the community, not just teaching a class for a week or two.  Volunteering might help me sleep at night, but the pile of trash is growing and I see my wrappers on the street.  

I might not be able to take care of these problems.  They might always be bigger than I am. They might always be stronger. 

But If I can see them for what they are then I can work to disarm them.

And I sure as hell won't convince myself that I've done something good for the world in order to get a better night of sleep when all I've done was litter in a different way than my neighbors.  

New eyes

The first time that I saw poverty, I mean true poverty, the kind of poverty that takes the air out of your lungs, was when I went to the Dominican Republic in 2012.  The kind of poverty where hungry, naked, thirsty, and roofless are accepted normals for daily life.  The kind of poverty that hasn't begun to think about infrastructure, waste disposal, or sanitary needs because they are all further below on the hierarchy of needs - not enough mental and emotional space to give to anything but meeting the most basic survival needs.

I remember pulling up to the Bateye and seeing tiny people waiting for our arrival, waiting for the education we had come to provide.  Some without shoes.  Some without clothing.  All with empty stomachs. 

It put my world on pause.  I had to create space to process.  I had to figure some things out. 

A month later, after I had been in that exact environment for a month, I expected to see the very things that had initially been so jarring. 

I don't mean to suggest that I was desensitized to abject poverty.  My heart still bled at the sight of naked babies sleeping on a cement floor, children eating rationed spoonfuls of rice for entire meals, hair that had turned orange from a lack of proper nutrients, and humans living as slaves right before my eyes. All of that still pricked my heart, but it didn't cause such pause in my world as to alter my entire state of being.

From that time on, I had a better framework for what to expect when traveling to places of crisis and poverty.  Still, every time I saw a new community for the first time I had an initial moment of hesitation at first sight.  The time it takes to process the new information lessens significantly in every new context, but it is always startling at the onset. 

So here I am, living in Mathare, a slum on the eastern edge of Nairobi, working in Kibera, a slum on the city's southern edge.  

Trash covers the ground.  Everywhere.  Layers and layers of garbage blanket the soil.

Houses of mud and corrugated iron define the horizon line. 

Sewage runs congruently with walking paths. You can't imagine the smell. You can't. 

Kids play openly in their environment, wrestling and chasing one another through the trash and sewage.  

It's poverty as I've never seen, besides when I was here the last time. 

I knew what i was going to see and smell and touch and experience. I knew what I was getting into. I knew what to expect. Still, it's shocking to the point of causing pause. 

Every morning when I walk out into the community, I am more and more prepared to see the world that's waiting.

It's adaptation for the purpose of survival, I suppose, because I don't think that I could emotionally function with an openly bleeding heart for such an extended period of time. 

Initially it startles, then I process it, then I prepare myself, then it becomes routine.  

As I reflect on that aspect of my own being, I start to think about my own community. After all, if none of this helps me love my neighborhood better then I have no point being here.  

So I think about New York, about Washington Heights, about my school, and I wonder how I would see all of those places with new eyes, with eyes that haven't processed the extreme poverty that I actually have been desensitized to.  

I wonder what you would see in my world. 

Would it startle you?  Would you notice all that I look passed on a daily basis?  Would your heart bleed where mine has mended itself?

I don't know.  

Ten years of adaptation can alter a person's framework. 

Having new eyes every summer reminds me that it's not too late to see the world again, to refocus my vision.

There's a fine line between the kind of empathy that promotes solidarity and the kind that leads to emotional breakdown, so I want to make sure that I am deliberate. Always deliberate. 

But I think that it might be healthy to be shocked again, to feel the need for pause in the city that I love so dearly.  

New eyes.  

It's so clear when it's new.  So clear that I can't help but think of how foggy my vision must be. 

I guess there are some things that I never want to get used to seeing.