It's the night before I start my
eleventh year of teaching.
I should be be in my bed. I should be
sleeping.
The thing is, I get anxious about
things. Anxious about almost everything.
I get anxious to go back to school. I
get anxious when we have a week off. I get anxious for summer
vacation. I get anxious to travel. I get anxious when I have too much to do. I get anxious when I don't have enough to do.
It's an internal angst that gnaws at my
insides for days, sometimes weeks, as change approaches.
It's something that I've come to
understand about myself, something that I've been able to identify
over the years.
So here I sit, unable to fully rest,
knowing that I'll regret the missed hours of sleep when my alarm goes
off in the morning, unable to do much about any of it in the present
moment.
And in this moment, with nothing but
quiet and time to fill the space, I find myself reflecting on my time
in Nairobi.
Once BuildaBridge arrived I moved out
of my host home and across town. I had been staying within walking
distance of the school, but soon found myself on the other side of
the city. The distance between where we were staying and where we were
working was probably about 15 miles, give or take, but the commute
was at least an hour both ways.
Driving in Kenya is no joke.
I prefer my vespa in New York. Taxis and all.
This car ride put me in a shared,
confined space with some of the people on this planet that I respect
the most. When we weren't fearing for our lives or gasping for air,
we were engaged in conversations that I will keep in my pocket for
the rest of my life.
I can say that with confidence, because
I've been keeping conversations from these very people in my pocket
for the past six years.
One conversation that I'm marinating in
tonight focused on trauma and overcoming and resiliency and the
brain. We talked about how the brain physically changes when in the
presence of trauma, but it also physically changes in response to
overcoming trauma.
I pulled out my phone and started
taking notes.
Overcoming changes the brain in
positive ways. The more you overcome, the more you internalize that
you have the ability to overcome, which leads to greater resiliency
and more confidence to overcome the next challenge.
I have thought about that ever since
that moment.
I have thought about everything that I
have ever overcome. I have thought about everything that I never
thought I would be capable of doing, but did. I have thought about
basic things that feel like tiny victories on a daily basis.
I have thought about my brain and how
all of that has changed the structure of my brain, changed my psyche.
I don't often feel capable of
overcoming the challenges that I face everyday.
I'm not talking about major issues
concerning health and survival.
It's far less noticeable than that.
It's going to school for the first day
after a two month break and seeing people that I haven't seen since
June.
That's scary.
But you know what?
I've done it for the past ten years and
I'll do it again tomorrow.
And all of the other pieces of my life,
all of the other anxiety-inducing parts that keep me up at night?
I'll face those, too.
I'll remember all of the tiny hurdles
that I've already jumped. I'll remember that I have traveled to
different countries for the past five years, lived in new places, and
come home again.
In every fear faced, my brain changed.
It's stronger than I give it credit
for. And so am I.
Maybe sometimes you have to travel the
world and realize that you can live anywhere, just so that you can
come home with the confidence to go to a job that you love more and
more every day of your life.
Life is like that.
I should probably get some sleep.
Goodnight and thanks for traveling with
me.
Until my next adventure...
