Building a brain

It's the night before I start my eleventh year of teaching.

I should be be in my bed. I should be sleeping.

The thing is, I get anxious about things. Anxious about almost everything.

I get anxious to go back to school. I get anxious when we have a week off. I get anxious for summer vacation. I get anxious to travel. I get anxious when I have too much to do. I get anxious when I don't have enough to do.

It's an internal angst that gnaws at my insides for days, sometimes weeks, as change approaches.

It's something that I've come to understand about myself, something that I've been able to identify over the years.

So here I sit, unable to fully rest, knowing that I'll regret the missed hours of sleep when my alarm goes off in the morning, unable to do much about any of it in the present moment.

And in this moment, with nothing but quiet and time to fill the space, I find myself reflecting on my time in Nairobi.

Once BuildaBridge arrived I moved out of my host home and across town. I had been staying within walking distance of the school, but soon found myself on the other side of the city. The distance between where we were staying and where we were working was probably about 15 miles, give or take, but the commute was at least an hour both ways. 

Driving in Kenya is no joke.  

I prefer my vespa in New York.  Taxis and all.

This car ride put me in a shared, confined space with some of the people on this planet that I respect the most. When we weren't fearing for our lives or gasping for air, we were engaged in conversations that I will keep in my pocket for the rest of my life.

I can say that with confidence, because I've been keeping conversations from these very people in my pocket for the past six years.

One conversation that I'm marinating in tonight focused on trauma and overcoming and resiliency and the brain. We talked about how the brain physically changes when in the presence of trauma, but it also physically changes in response to overcoming trauma.

I pulled out my phone and started taking notes.

Overcoming changes the brain in positive ways. The more you overcome, the more you internalize that you have the ability to overcome, which leads to greater resiliency and more confidence to overcome the next challenge.

I have thought about that ever since that moment.

I have thought about everything that I have ever overcome. I have thought about everything that I never thought I would be capable of doing, but did. I have thought about basic things that feel like tiny victories on a daily basis.

I have thought about my brain and how all of that has changed the structure of my brain, changed my psyche.

I don't often feel capable of overcoming the challenges that I face everyday.

I'm not talking about major issues concerning health and survival.

It's far less noticeable than that.

It's going to school for the first day after a two month break and seeing people that I haven't seen since June.

That's scary.

But you know what?

I've done it for the past ten years and I'll do it again tomorrow.

And all of the other pieces of my life, all of the other anxiety-inducing parts that keep me up at night? I'll face those, too.

I'll remember all of the tiny hurdles that I've already jumped. I'll remember that I have traveled to different countries for the past five years, lived in new places, and come home again.

In every fear faced, my brain changed.

It's stronger than I give it credit for. And so am I.

Maybe sometimes you have to travel the world and realize that you can live anywhere, just so that you can come home with the confidence to go to a job that you love more and more every day of your life.

Life is like that.

I should probably get some sleep.

Goodnight and thanks for traveling with me.

Until my next adventure...