Narrative mindsets

I was taught the value of having a positive attitude at an early age.  

Complaining doesn’t help your situation. It only makes the people that are with you just as  miserable. 

I’d like to think that those seeds took root in the soil of my life. I’d like to think that I find the good in every situation. 

I’m sure that some of you are thinking of specific situations where I have had the worst attitude of anyone in the room, like when I’m tired, wet, anything in my apartment is dirty, or it’s January - March. 

We all have our triggers, but I hope that the majority of what I see, of what I help other people see, is everything that is beautiful. 

Attitude can change everything. 

But the thing is, attitude is just one ingredient in what I need to thrive in any given context. 

I can’t stand on attitude alone. It’s so much more, for me at least. It’s about mindset. 

I’m not talking about fixed mindsets vs. growth mindsets. I have nothing to add to the genius that is Carol Dweck. That’s blasphemy.  Respect, people. Respect. 

I’m talking about preparing my own mindset for any situation before it happens. 

I’m talking about how I get myself ready for a 12 hour car ride to see my sister by thinking through all of the things that will make me start to lose my mind before I even make the trip.  

I’m going to feel trapped in the car. When I do I will remind myself that it’s temporary, that I will be free by the end of the day. I’m going to get tired. When I do I will pull over and nap at a gas station. I will be able to rest in the short term in the car, and the long term at the end of my journey. I’m going to want coffee and there are only Dunkin’ Donuts on Route 80 in Pennsylvania.  I can’t force myself to drink Dunkin Donuts even in the most desperate of times. I take a coffee for the road and I wait for Youngstown, where civilization begins again. 

I make it through because I know what I’m heading into. I know how to prepare myself. I know how to adjust my mindset. 

I’m talking about working through the worst case scenarios of what could possibly happen in a foreign country before I even get on the plane. 

I might not have water for an extended period of time. I have to talk myself through that. I know that showering, food, bathrooms, sleeping, and every other aspect of daily life will be the opposite of what I know in New York.  I will tell myself that I will make it through every struggle as they come, just as I have always done and will keep doing in the future. 

It’s the mindset that I have going into any situation. I prepare for what I’m getting myself into and what inner strength I will need in those moments. 

Yes, I have a positive attitude throughout - regardless of what the moment holds. And yes, that matters, but it’s not my foundation. 

Mindset is. 

It’s the story I tell myself on a daily basis. 

This monologue has always taken place between my ears, something that I know that I need and do without thinking at this point. 

Having Lily with me has changed all of that. 

I’m not just preparing myself, I’m preparing a 12 year old girl. 

As we enter every new environment, every new set of circumstances, I tell her what it may hold for us. I verbalize the dialogue that has always been internal. 

“Ok. Listen. There are going to be times that you are uncomfortable, that you are hot, that you are tired, that you miss home. It’s going to happen to both of us. When it does, tell me. When you feel sad, feel sad. Feel it fully and don’t hold it back. When you are tired, sleep on my lap. When you are hungry, I have food in my bag. When you are hot, you’ll have to deal with it. We’re in this together. You are not alone.  Prepare yourself in your head and work through it when it happens.”

We had that conversation at the onset. We have a version of it at some point every day. 

I didn’t know how she would adjust. I didn’t know how she would handle a vastly different life than the one she’s always known. 

Let me tell you something, this kid has risen to the challenge. 

She has rolled with every punch without batting an eye. I hear her talking through challenging moments as she processes. 

“I can’t wash my hair. That’s ok. My hair doesn’t have to be washed every day. I can wait a few days. I’ll wash it when I can. No big deal. I can do that.”

“There’s no toilet paper. We have baby wipes. We will be fine with baby wipes. 

Wait?  What?  We only have two left for rest of the day?  Ok. We’ll divide them and only uses pieces. 

We’ll be able to get more tomorrow. Not the end of the world.”

When we enter a new situation I usually go first and tell her what to expect. 

If I can’t do that because we are experiencing it at the same time then she usually makes eye contact with me and we communicate without having to say anything to each other. 

It’s actually quite amazing. 

It’s not that she’s not always amazing. She is. But I anticipated managing complaints and talking her through emotional breakdowns. 

That just hasn’t been the case. 

She has navigated her way through a different culture, masses of people, traffic, rain and mud, new foods, missing home, and the absence of the conveniences in her daily life with ease. 

When I watch her in every new situation and as we talk through it together, I can see that mindset is the key for both of us. Probably for everyone. 

The narratives that we tell ourselves about what is happening and how we will need to manage the situation allows us to access our deepest resources, parts of us that we don’t even know exist until we need them. 

I honestly think that I can do anything that I can prepare myself for, anything that I can properly frame in my brain. 

It’s when I’m blindsided that I lose myself. It’s when something happens without warning. 

That’s when I unravel. That’s when attitude matters. That’s when I have to choose to have a good attitude despite feeling throttled. 

If I have enough time to properly set my mind beforehand then I can easily adjust. 

I’ve had that feeling about myself in my gut for years and thought that it was just me, but watching it play out with Lily is confirmation that it’s how we’re wired. 

I know that part of it is being an introvert and needing to know what to expect, but most of t is just being human. 

I can do anything that I can prepare my mind for. I’ve seen it in myself over the course of my life. I am watching it in Lily in real-time every day. 

It makes me want to tackle bigger obstacles, take more calculated risks, and dream loftier dreams. 

If it’s just a matter of mindset, just a matter of properly framed narratives, then why not?